Sunday, September 25, 2005

Bumwine Celebration and Tasting

Originally uploaded by jennybento.
Last night about ten people and I had a bumwine tasting. It was under the strictest of scientific conditions. This here is a photo of my fridge beforehand, filled with cookie dough and booze. We began with the lowest alcoholic content booze, Boone's Farm. We had Sun Peak Peach and Mango Grove at 5% alcohol. Everyone enjoyed these. They are quite tasty. I would drink them again, BY CHOICE.

Second up was Frutezia "Sunshine Blend" at 6% alcohol. According to the website, it's pronounced "Fruit-Easy-Ahhh" which is about the stupidest thing I have ever heard. The consensus was while this wine was good, it was not as great as the Boone's. At this point we were cocky and thought some of these wines would be "tolerable." We thought this wine tasted like peach skins.

Next up was the traditional Manischewitz at 11% alcohol. I had had it before and everyone thought it was tasty, though much sweeter than the other varieties. I saw on the website that they have blackberry and cherry, which I would definitely try. I had some Manischewitz sno-cone and it was pretty tasty.

Next, we made a grave error. Mistaking the percentages, I thought Thunderbird at 17.5% alcohol was next. So we tried it. I believe this is the worst beverage I have ever ever tried. Apparently, it turns your mouth and lips black but no one really drank enough of it to find out. Almost everyone found Thunderbird to be TRULY horrid except one person who thought it tasted much like cooking wine. While it did taste very very vaguely of marsala, I thought it was more like rubbing alcohol. Seriously that is not an understatement. If you need to clean metal or dress a wound, I would go for T-bird.

This brought some sadness to the crowd, especially since, due to packaging, someone posited the theory that Night Train is actually T-bird with food coloring. The troops were not interested in more Thunderbird. I theorized that Night Train was supposed to be served Very Cold whereas Thunderbird was just supposed to be served cold. Clearly, they could not be the same! :)

Thankfully they are NOT the same. While Night Train is by no means GOOD, it is vaguely related to a fruit product and has some flavor which covers up the rubbing alcohol. At this point several people mentioned that they were well on the way to making out and there was far more of everyone touching each other.

Next up, someone realized that we had skipped over the 13% MD 20/20. Ah back to the naive world of fruit flavors! During this exciting journey back to tasty beverages we had a smoke break. We entreated my neighbors to drink some Mad Dog with us, which no one really took us up on. At this point most people were pretty happy drunk. We got to this point pretty fast, and I was pouring much larger "samples" of the tastier wines. We started off with MD Red Banana. While I did not love the banana flavoring, it was pretty tasty. Everyone seemed to enjoy it, and it was the only bottle that was emptied. I think that means it officially wins.

The second MD was Peaches and Cream. I really liked it, and everyone else seemed to as well. Both of the MDs were sweet, thicker, and not cloying. The peach was very jolly rancher-esque. At this point, many people began to feel hungover. Many people complained of a headache.

Sadly, we had to forge ahead to the 18% alcohols. Everyone had high hopes for Cisco "Dessert" Wine. No one in their right mind would confuse this for dessert wine. The strawberry was like licking a Stawberry shortcake doll. Others seemed to enjoy it but complained of a "burning" sensation after drinking it. I did not feel the burning and quickly moved onto berry, as I felt it would taste better. It was more of the very sweet, extremely fake berry flavoring, but again, no burning. All Ciscos clearly have the rubbing alcoholy taste, and smelled like cough syrup. But I was unprepared for the blue raspberry. It was so foul. It was as if they chose to make a flavor reminiscent of fruit in general, but not any actual fruit in specific.

Cisco was a big letdown, since had basically said it made people psychotic. It has "THIS IS NOT A WINE COOLER" listed on its packaging because people were dying because they drank it like a wine cooler. I do not know how anyone can confuse this with a wine cooler. I have had few wine coolers, but generally I feel like they taste more like soda than alcohol. Cisco is clearly alcohol, and maybe not the alcohol you are supposed to drink.

Finally was the Wild Irish Rose. White was Thunderbirdesque but a bit fake fruitier. Finally there was Wild Irish Rose Red which had more flavor (grapey) to cover up the Thunderbirdyness.

At this point everything began slowing down. No one was quick to action. It wasn't so much that they were drunk as paralyzed. I was expecting more rowdy violent drunkeness, but everythign after the MD made people lethargic. At this point 5 people ended up in my bed, but in a sleepy way, not a sexy one. Many plans to go places and do things were concocted but no one could really get up except the person who drank the majority of the Mad Dog.

No one seemed very drunk at this point, just tired. Basically bumwine seems to be potent, but if you can't drink much of it because it's so bad, that doesn't count for much. Most people probably drank about a half a bottle of wine (over 13 kinds of wine) over five hours, so by the end everyone was pretty much already hungover.

With liberal water drinking though, no one seems to be feeling badly this morning. There is some regret for lost time, a vague sense of sleepiness, but not much pain.

You can now begin your conspiracy theories about bumwine being a CIA plot to make the homeless docile.

Bottles from emptiest to fullest at the end of the party:
MD Red Banana
Boone's Farm Peach
Boone's Farm Mango
Thunderbird (I guess people could not believe how awful it was)
Night Train
MD Peach
Cisco Strawberry
Wild Irish Rose Red
Wild Irish Rose White
Cisco Berry
Cisco Blue Raspberry.

My personal best to worst:
Boone's Peach
Boone's Mango
MD Peach
Night Train
Wild Irish Rose Red
Cisco Berry
Cisco Strawberry
Cisco Blue Raspberry
Wild Irish Rose White

(although those last five are all so distasteful in different ways, it's had to say)

Basically, if you have three dollars, I would either go for 2 bottles of boone's or one bottle of MD. They will get you equally messed up and are quite tasty. Also probably good on ice cream and sno cones! The others would be good for catching fruit flies.

that is awesome.  

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